How to Have Impossible Conversations

Recommended by Marcello Ascani, it’s a bit heavy but useful. It opened my mind on a couple of ideas, first of all that people with “extreme” views should be approached by listening. Avoid leading with facts, since you won’t change their mind with what they are trained to question; instead ask questions, plant doubt, learn from them. Changing one’s mind can take years; with a few well-placed questions you plant the seed, then see what happens. Going in head-on, aggressively, only raises walls. Remove “but” from your vocabulary.

Notes

1. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Extreme positions often stem from different cultures or lack of information. Most people are not bad.
2. Listen. Do not focus on yourself and do not judge; make them feel heard.
3. Do not interrupt; maintain eye contact.
4. Mirroring (from Voss), repeat what they say and mirror their mannerisms.
5. Ask for clarification; instill doubt with open-ended questions on the topic, taking care to use their language.
6. If you are wasting time, step out of the context and remove noise (for example, instead of “whites vs blacks,” specify that you are talking about Americans).
7. Feel free to use silence if someone raises their voice.
8. Avoid “but”; instead continue the other person’s point and rephrase what they said, then ask for clarification where they have doubts.