How To Talk To Anyone

Life changer recommended on Hacker News.

It is a sort of revisit of Carnegie’s How To Win Friends, but in a more modern key. I agree that it is a life changer; it opened my eyes to many details I was overlooking, and I feel more confident now.

Very clear writing with strong takeaways, with a certain pragmatic bent that can feel manipulative, yet still a genuine perspective. The author uses familiar examples and memorable nicknames for each point, and I wrote down most of them except the obvious ones or those a bit out of context.

Notes

• Eyes: hold eye contact often without overdoing it so they do not feel attacked, but keep your gaze. Useful trick: if you are in a group and you want to impress someone, look at them even when they are not speaking
• A genuine smile comes a couple of seconds after seeing the person
• Upright posture to appear confident
• Big Baby Theory: we all have a child inside who wants to feel special. Flash a big smile as if you are seeing one, and show openness
• Old Friend Theory: if you do not know someone, imagine you have just found an old dear friend; your demeanor will naturally become more friendly
• Limit the fidget: if you want to appear honest, do not touch your face, keep eye contact, do not scratch or fidget. These are often subconscious signs of lying
• Match their mood: for small talk, remember the crying baby. The mother does not say be quiet but soothes him, sharing a kind of sympathetic sadness, and they calm down together. Mirror your interlocutor
• To open a conversation, even very simple remarks work if you do not know the other person. Just do not start with a complaint
• Whatzit: a distinctive item someone wears or carries (retro glasses) that gives others an excuse to talk and ask what it is. Use it and look for it in others
• Woozat: if they do not have a Whatzit, go to the host, ask for an introduction or some info you can use to break the ice directly
• Never the naked city: applies to everything. Do not give one-word answers if they ask where you are from. Say “Como, near Switzerland,” or anything that adds new information to feed the conversation. Same with work: expand on what you do based on who is asking to create openings
• Resuscitate a dying conversation: watch for favorite topics your interlocutor mentions and do not hesitate to pick them up again when the talk stalls
• Swiveline spotlight: do not keep the light on you, but focus it on the person you are speaking with. The more you keep it off yourself, the more the other person will be dazzled and find you interesting
• Parroting: last resort. If you do not know what to say and the other gives you nothing, repeat their last three words
• Encore: like the shy captain who had one great story; each time he told it he loosened up. Repeat the things that work for you
• How to have something to say. Useful trick: check the news before going out. Eavesdropping in group contexts is not rude.
• Do not ask “what do you do/what is your job”; you might make people uncomfortable. Suggest “how do you spend your time,” but it is not easily translated. If they ask you, try to tailor your answer to what they are into, and frame it as how you help people with X; it has more impact
• Broaden your vocabulary: instead of “you look nice,” use richer synonyms like radiant, dazzling, stunning, wonderful. Details, but if genuine they make a difference. Using more precise words, within reason, makes you sound more educated
• Avoid “me too.” If someone talks about a familiar topic, do not jump in immediately. Let them speak a bit, then at the end say you are familiar with it too
• Comm-YOU-nicate: rephrase questions to put the other person first. For example, “is there a place you would like, do you want to come?” or “you will find this interesting” or “Boss, can you manage without me on Friday?”
• Do not use euphemisms; show that you can speak plainly and say things as they are
• Build your own lingo: to have new conversation material, try new experiences. You will have something to talk about for years with groups of outsiders. Example from cars: with the book I would have something to ask colleagues about. Speak their jobbledygook (jargon); it makes a big difference and shows you know a bit. Also try reading technical magazines or blogs
• Hit their hot button: if you do not know the job or interests of a new group, find the hot issues in their world, like recent news or situations that might affect what they do, and ask what they think.
• Very important: pay attention to the etiquette of the culture you are dealing with; in other parts of the world it will be very different. See https://www.commisceo-global.com/
• Still on jargon: having a basic grasp of areas that cost money (maintenance, real estate, banking, cars) can save you a lot, because you can get straight to the point with the provider and they know they cannot take advantage of you. If you do not know, find someone in the field to ask for advice
• Echoing: imitate your interlocutor, adopt their attitude and wording; listen for particular terms. For example, if a lawyer says “profession” instead of “job,” reuse it
• Emphasizers: instead of the usual uh or uhm, use responses that match the sense of what they are saying. If they are seeing something, say that to your eyes it looks right. If they are hearing something, say it sounds good to you. A bit intricate as a strategy, but better than mumbling
• Premature we: use “we” in statements (not too much) to show rapport and accelerate closeness

Compliments

• The grapevine: sometimes it is very effective to give a compliment to someone close to the target, knowing they will pass it on soon. Do not underestimate it. Contribute to the grapevine by relaying messages from others and acting as a conduit. It reflects well on you
• Little strokes: give small, sincere encouragement to people next to you in the small challenges of daily life; it makes them feel appreciated
• Use the caller’s name often: on calls, mention the person’s name to create more intimacy and keep their attention high. She calls it a verbal caress
• Oh wow, it is you. Answer calls in a neutral tone but brighten with a smile as soon as you see or recognize the interlocutor
• Make friends with the secretary (or spouse). If you call someone often, the people close to them can help if they like you
• Always ask if it is a good time to talk. If people have something urgent on their mind, they will not listen
• If you hear background noise like a cry, another call, or anything else, ask if they need to take care of it, giving them the freedom to step away if needed. They would not be listening anyway

Party

• I ignored some of the subtleties; they are mostly for politics and elegant parties. Note: people do not talk to someone who is eating
• Rubbernecking: when you enter, stop and slowly scan the room and the people inside. That is how you will better choose whom to talk to
• Body language: show your palms, a symbol of openness, and keep your body open. No objects in front of you, no crossed arms, no nervous gestures
• Tracking: keep track of people’s details, whether passions, hobbies, or important events. Mentioning them months or years later will please them. Super easy trick
• See no bloopers, hear no bloopers. If your interlocutor (or you) makes a blooper like sneezing, spilling a glass, or any other sign of fragility, ignore it or dismiss it with “it is nothing.” Nobody likes to feel fragile.
• When someone is telling a story and gets interrupted, be kind and ask them to continue after things have calmed down
• Empty their tanks: before getting information, let people talk and vent, then ask for the rest. Example: a nurse first asks what happened

Final

• The great scorecard in the sky: when two people talk business, it is as if a virtual score hovers above their heads. The one with the lower score should show deference or risk being edged out. Example: a man she had invited to dinner canceled; instead of inviting her to a good restaurant, he asked when she could reschedule hosting him. Once the balance had shifted, like a stock price, the context changed. He should have countered with a reparative offer