It's Ok That You're Not Ok

Well, it is a very good book in concept, but it bored me. Two and a half stars. It focuses on handling a sudden loss, the early days, and the fact that most self-help books do not understand the chasm that opens up in front of you. Others do not understand. And this is about how to live with the pain. But I did not follow the book much after the premise. Maybe I am not the target. It still remains the best book on such a delicate subject.

Notes

• We do not know how to help someone who has suffered a loss. We have been taught, wrongly, that grief is a problem to be solved. But in truth, no; you have to embrace it and live with it.
• It is awful. It hurts. What happened is not fair and you have to learn to live with it.
• Whatever your loss, understand that you are not “ok” and you will not come out of this the same as before. There is no longer a “normal”.
• So when people try to help you, to get you out of that state, they are also hurting you. They do not understand.
• Time does not necessarily help: with a loss this big, 8 days can be like 2 years sometimes.
• So do not throw out an easy “think positive” opinion. Being brave also means recognizing that it hurts and feeling that pain. And moving forward.
• Talking about the story, about how it happened, is very important. Do not hide the grief.
• Grief is exhausting. But we need to be very open about how we feel and about what happened.
• Keep track of how you felt and what triggers came up (a scientific approach of gathering data and analyzing it).
• Triggers and bad dreams are everywhere.
• Nice section on anxiety: our minds are built to simulate dangers. Anxiety is simply this tendency to think about what could go wrong and keep going and going, creating a bodily reaction. We are stuck in a loop.
• When you are anxious, focus on your breath. And on what you feel.
• Use your imagination not for anxieties, but to think of positive scenarios, of the future you want and desire. That is how you counter anxiety.
• Message to send to someone who is hurting: I love you. I am here. You feel awful and I know it. Stick with the truth: This hurts. I love you. I’m here.
• Grief cannot be fixed. Only carried forward