Finished 25/01/2023

Love, sex and long-term relationships

Sarah Hendrickx

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• Psychology

The structure intrigued me, and it is a very small book. Reviews are not great; it interviewed a small sample of people, so I took it mostly as anecdotal. Read quickly.

Notes

• Small sample: 40 people with Asperger’s (AS), only 4 women, plus some partners of AS. The 4 women all had AS partners, while the men usually had NT (neurotypical) partners. I like how she inserts many quotes between chapters
• Intro to common difficulties, assuming you know the diagnosis. For example, AS often have very few friends, so they miss many chances to expand their network and find a partner. But when they do, it is often for meaningful, long-term relationships
• Very interesting: AS have traits many partners appreciate, such as innocence, trust, skill at communicating online, and calmness
• They often develop strict rules. Example: an AS who collected data in tables on past relationships to improve over time, with actual tables and graphs
• A major issue: since perspective-taking is hard, they can freeze during the other person’s emotional outbursts, not knowing what to do. Suggested approach for AS: say you are frozen and remind them you struggle to know what to do in that situation
• Drinking alcohol can help with social communication, which I recognize, but it is not a good long-term solution and the critique makes sense
• Another issue: losing autonomy can trigger anxiety, or the opposite, becoming fixated on the partner. Watch out for this all-or-nothing state; be clear when you do not understand emotions. I would have liked more depth here
• AS are very sensitive to external stimuli, especially visual and auditory, so they sometimes go into sensory overload and need to withdraw, partner included. It is not personal; they just need a quiet place without excess stimuli. She calls it “let my emotions rest”
• In particular, touch with the other person can be a way to communicate safety and affection without words
• Routines. AS love routines, which makes them structured and predictable, which can cause issues. Also noted are body-play behaviors like nervous tics
• A distinctive trait in men is gentleness. They often have hobbies or behaviors seen as feminine, which can cause some concern for them but are appreciated by partners. Less attached to the male/female concept, seen as a social construct, they often see themselves simply as people. Men often prefer the company of women
• There are cases of infidelity handled very logically without the expected remorse and fear. Possibly due to compartmentalizing sex and feelings; some interviewees discussed it quite clearly. The serious part is when there are feelings involved, linked to the separation between body and feelings. That is considered betrayal by AS
• Difficulty reading signals can lead to misunderstandings, to both obsessive behaviors and missing when someone is flirting
• Key points for a stable relationship are recognizing AS, communicating well, and understanding that the partner is doing their best. In particular, discussing what is required and expected can make a difference, since they may not know. Priority is being able to be yourself
• In conclusion, AS partners often show honesty, gentleness, and unconditional affection, which are great traits for a stable relationship. In some situations it helps to be clear and explicit, since reading signals is not their strength