Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life

Found it recommended on Reddit? Not sure. A classic that conveys a simple idea, with a tone that feels slightly old-fashioned and heavy for my taste. Overall it was enjoyable, but I missed a clear takeaway; I will probably forget most of it, except the part about asking lots of questions and paraphrasing with feelings.

Notes

• Keep your observations and judgments to yourself. How will people react if you judge them?
• The formula is “I feel XXXX when XXXX because XXXX.” Observing, Feelings, Needs, Making Requests.
• Behind each feeling of anger or a bad mood there is an unmet need. Understand what is really behind it and own it; ask the other person about it and guide them to talk about it.
• I feel is different from I think. Do not project your judgment onto what you feel.
• Notice how you tend to label people and why you do it.
• Take responsibility. It is not other people’s fault that you feel the way you do, but it is your job to acknowledge it and improve.
• State your needs in positive terms.
• Paraphrase others’ needs when they share their problems. There are many examples of dialogues (some a bit odd, to be honest) where the person complains or has problems, and he keeps asking questions to guide them in expressing their needs.
• Empathy. Observe without judgment.

Empathy is not about fixing or changing the other person. It’s about understanding and accepting them as they are. When you can do that, connecting with them is much easier.