The Conversation Code

From the author of You Can Be Funny and Make People Laugh. They say it’s full of examples and not for everyone, but the first one really impressed me.

And I would say, maybe even better. It’s dedicated to his son on the spectrum, and you can feel it in how he explains basic conversational skills simply and clearly. The idea is simple: put yourself out there and store as much information as possible about conversations so you can grow and keep growing over time. It has some repetitions toward the end that I also noticed in the second book, but it’s very solid. Another top book I would recommend. Spectacular, clear, precise, with recaps too.

7 Habits of Exceptional Conversationalists (EC) Model

1. Sense: The core of who you are. Personality, goals, and non-verbal traits.
2. Grow: Depth of experiences, stories, knowledge, vocabulary you possess.
3. Assert: Assert and control conversations. Initiate and choose topics.
4. Share: Share thoughts, feelings, observations, and opinions to maintain engaging and interesting conversations. Self-disclosure is also critical to balance conversations and build rapport.
5. Assemble: Effective techniques for expressing thoughts in interesting and engaging ways.
6. Connect: Connect with people and to conversation topics.
7. Play: Add an element of play to half of what you say and do. Playfulness touches all areas, and it’s essential to charm, wit, and humor.

Notes:

• Conversation skills are like a button: the author learned to have an on/off switch to activate himself; by default he is introverted.
• You will not remember everything in the book. The focus is to concentrate on specific areas.
• Energy is the passion you put into your words. Be confident. Show enthusiasm. Include your voice volume, so you finish with clear and crisp sentences.
• Move your body and animate your face.
• You have to grow. Sustain conversations, listen, and learn. You will expand your range of situations and build a toolkit of patterns to use.
• Anxiety is really when we face a new situation and don’t know how to speak.
• Basic rule: “I feel, When you, Because” script. Look for others.
• How to have a likeable personality:
  • Be humble: admit weaknesses
  • Be caring and unselfish: show that you care
  • Be positive
  • Be enthusiastic
  • Be goal-oriented, have a direction to show people and that will give you confidence
  • Be playful. Being boring is not good; joke about things.
  • Be flexible. Adapt to changing situations

The essence of being likeable is how you make others feel when they are around you.

• The pros (here called ECs) memorize large structures of conversations and situations to reuse. The secret is this: have patterns. They are called PAT, previously assembled thoughts.
• Categories of PAT: Comments, Knowledge, Opinions, and Autobiographical.
  • Comments: TAPP stands for Things, Activities, People, and Places. These are small comments to keep the conversation going that you can easily add to your sentences. They recycle the same stories and intros.
  • Knowledge: build up fun facts on different topics to share your knowledge with others. ECs manage the topic, steering toward areas where they have a lot to say. Don’t get caught unprepared
  • Opinions: we all have hot-button issues, interests. Find those by observing the other person’s reactions, and latch onto them. You can make mild comments to get it going
  • Autobiographical: a collection of personal stories to memorize and bring out when needed
• TAPP Topics:
  • THINGS: Technology, Books, Clothes, Cars, Movies, TV Shows, Food, Drink, and Weather
  • ACTIVITIES: Hobbies, Volunteering, Sports, Fitness, Diets, Entertainment, Gaming, Education, Dating, Vacations, Shopping, and Careers
  • PEOPLE: Kids/Parenting, Family, Pets, Gossip, Relationships, Opposite Sex, You, Them, Culture, Common friends/Co-workers, Local/Global News, Appearance, and Human Behavior
  • PLACES: Surroundings, Cities, Landmarks, States, Restaurants, Festivals, Houses, and Stores
• Life begins at the edges of your comfort zone
• If the conversation dies, half the time it has nothing to do with you
• Another script: if you have nothing to say, remember A Christmas Carol. Think of something past, present, future
• It doesn’t matter if small talk is sometimes fake. It’s part of the game; you cannot always be interested in everything. But it’s a polite form of fake
• Most small talk is not even a skill. It’s memorizing a mental script
• Script: The Time Question. How do you spend your time?
• The Golden Ratio of Conversation (ISPC): Initial comment, Support, Post and connection
• Often you think that if someone doesn’t ask they aren’t interested. Don’t assume that. Usually people won’t bombard you with questions
• Talk about friends and family in your stories, it makes them more interesting
• Start with how you feel. It gives a personal, relatable touch
• Guinness Book of World Records: use superlatives and exaggerations
• For opinions: take an angle and offer your perspective, without exaggerating or being aggressive. People like angles and contrasts.
• If you don’t listen, you will never be a good speaker. No book can fix that
• The Seven Steps of Exceptional Listening (goal: grow the conversation into something)
  1. Pay Attention to the Entire Message
  2. Echo Their Message
  3. Encourage Sharing
  4. Be the Source of Positivity
  5. Grow Their Topic with Them
  6. Take Advantage of Hypothetical Statements