The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

A wonderful book that opened my eyes to many aspects of relationships, especially in the long term. John Gottman uses a very pragmatic approach that convinced me from the first pages: he takes dozens of couples (diverse in culture, orientation, etc.), records them for a few days in their everyday routines, then follows them for years to see which couples divorce and which do not. He reports predicting 91% of outcomes from the first session, often within the first hour.

How does he do it?

How to Predict Divorce

His studies show that the issue is not whether you fight, but how you fight.

In the lab, Gottman asks couples to discuss a problem they have, any kind. If one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse shows up, it is a very bad sign.

🐎 Criticism

It is the first sign that will eventually appear. Complaining is absolutely necessary if your partner forgets something or neglects you. The problem is letting it turn into criticism. For example:

• You forgot to wash the dishes again 👌 You’re lazy! ❌ -> personal attack

🐎 Contempt (Disprezzo)

Usually grows out of criticism. It includes mean sarcasm, belittling, and treating your partner as inferior.

🐎 Defensiveness

Often grows out of contempt and criticism, usually from the partner who receives them more often. After repeated attacks, they will be inclined to make excuses and reply with things like “What about you” or “It is not like that, I do this,” which does not solve the problem.

🐎 Stonewalling (Putting up a wall?)

The last horseman, usually when someone is tired of making excuses at the third point. They simply ignore their partner and go silent to avoid new criticism and arguments.

The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work

After presenting the serious signals, Gottman explains seven principles for keeping the relationship steady and avoiding those traps. When you see the horsemen you should be concerned, but there are many ways to prevent them from appearing.

1: Enhance Your Love Map

In two lines: know the other person, their fears, priorities, past problems, and future dreams. A detailed “map” will guide you to the destination. It sounds simple, but after life events (for example the birth of a child, 67% of couples report huge changes in their maps and resulting problems) you risk taking the other for granted while they have new priorities. Not as trivial as I thought.

2: Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration

“I’ve found 94 percent of the time that couples who put a positive spin on their marriage’s history are likely to have a happy future as well. When happy memories are distorted, it’s a sign that the marriage needs help.” - John Gottman

Memory version.

Gottman explains how, in couples heading for divorce, past memories tend to become mostly negative, while it is important to nurture past experiences and relive them together, whether by browsing photos or talking about them. He also suggests thinking about your partner and their qualities when apart, continuing to revisit what has happened to keep it alive.

3: Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away (favorite chapter)

“Instead of expensive gifts, the small, everyday mundane exchanges are what keep romance and passion alive” - John Gottman

A beautiful chapter; I will spend more time on it.

He explains how we often make “bids” to our partner seeking attention/support/affection, and the other can respond yes or no, but also by turning away. Avoid that. We need to learn how to say no with tact and empathy, and also to accept a no from our partner.

He uses the classic end-of-day venting as an example. Often the person simply wants to vent and feel heard (that is the bid) and reacts poorly when they do not receive attention. The default would be that each talks about their day and the other listens, offering support.

Turning toward your partner includes much more, such as a message during the day, a random kiss on the head, a surprise meme. It is a dance: sometimes you want to be close, sometimes you need your space, but these small gestures of appreciation are always welcome.

• Take turns speaking; each has their moment
• Avoid problem-solving mode unless requested
• Be interested and show you understand the other
• Acknowledge your emotions and show how you feel
• Always take your partner’s side. Us vs everyone

4: Let Your Partner Influence You

A key predictor of whether a marriage will work is whether the man accepts the woman’s influence and becomes emotionally intelligent. Here Gottman talks about heterosexual marriages and how the wife often defuses fights, while the husband is more likely to struggle with the four horsemen. There are often cultural and physiological reasons.

Marriages in which partners open up to each other and honor, respect, and recognize each other’s emotional and intellectual intelligence are the ones that last longer.

Gottman provides a test you can use to determine the power of your relationship. Imagine you and your spouse as the only survivors after your cruise ship sinks. You find yourself on a deserted island and decide you need to survive as long as possible and make sure you are visible. Gottman provides a list of twenty-six items and describes something called the Gottman Island Survival Game:

• Two changes of clothing
• AM-FM and short-wave radio receiver
• Ten gallons of water
• Pots and pans
• Matches
• Shovel
• Backpack
• Toilet paper
• Two tents
• Two sleeping bags
• Knife
• Small life raft, with sail
• Sunblock lotion
• Cookstove and lantern
• Long rope
• Two walkie-talkie sender-receiver units
• Freeze-dried food for seven days
• One change of clothing
• One-fifth of whiskey
• Flares
• Compass
• Regional aerial maps
• Gun with six bullets
• Fifty packages of condoms
• First-aid kit with penicillin
• Oxygen tanks

Independently, look over the list and choose the ten you feel are necessary. Then, rank them in order of importance. Next, share your list with your spouse and come to an agreeable list of ten. Play an active role in this conversation and make the final decision together. Once completed, evaluate how the game went and if either of you is having trouble accepting the other’s influence. If this is the case, it is best to acknowledge the problem and talk it over.

5: Solve Your Solvable Problems

Many marital problems (69%) are perpetual. Couples spend years fighting over them but can never reach a definitive conclusion, because they have different values, and they waste time.

It is unrealistic to expect a couple to agree on everything, but it is essential to distinguish between solvable and perpetual problems so as not to waste time in endless conflict.

Examples of perpetual: one wants a child and the other is not ready; one wants sex more often than the other; one cleans the house more than the other; different religions; different approaches to parenting.

Even with these conflicts, a couple can remain happy by addressing them calmly and working over time to understand each other better and find common ground. For solvable problems, you need to face them and not let them fester. Starting with a calm approach (without raising your voice, criticizing your partner, or using sarcasm) greatly increases the chances of solving the issue.

The second strategy is to find repair methods. If you make a mistake, think immediately about the next step to fix it, whether a simple hug to calm the other or a concrete compromise.

Finally, find common ground for a compromise. This is where problem solving helps. P.S. “A compromise leaves everyone dissatisfied” is a false cliche; this is a team, not a business negotiation. A calm relationship is the priority.

6: Overcome Gridlock

When you feel respected, it’s easier to compromise.

For perpetual conflicts, avoid gridlock, getting stuck arguing without understanding the other’s point and repeating the same discussion. The goal here is to be open and talk about the issue, not to solve it. It may take years, so proceed calmly, discuss it, and learn to avoid getting stuck on it every time. Or in extreme cases you will need to learn to live with it.

7: Create Shared Meaning

A final, more philosophical thought. Every couple creates its own world, with rituals, traditions, and habits. Learn to understand it and live in this culture. One example from Gottman is a lunchtime call to check in from a very busy couple. Do not underestimate the importance of these rituals and respect them, because they add stability to the routine and keep you from taking each other for granted.